Waiting

I recently read something on the app called Secret that really resonated with me:

“It doesn’t get better. You get better.”

The last few months have been aggravating because I don’t know where my next base assignment is going to be. The process feels random and very much out of my control. Ultimately, I’m an asset that will be placed wherever the Air Force needs me.

And I totally signed up for this fun :).

It’s been an exercise in letting go of needing to be in control. It’s helped me define what kind of life I want to live. And it’s been a way for me to really think about what kind of things I will regret.

Regret is something that I don’t really feel too often. Present Cindy always tries to make the best decision that she can based on who she is and what she knows at that very moment. Future Cindy can’t judge Past Cindy for making a different life decision in retrospect. It’s not fair, helpful or realistic.

What I do know is that I will regret not taking the chance to live in another country. I will regret not doing something that is terrifying. I will regret being pressured to do something that I don’t want to do. I will regret being dishonest to myself or others. And I will always regret taking the easy way out.

When I asked myself the question “what kind of life do I want to live,” I tried to answer it with one word and ended up with three:

I want to live a life that is aggressive, flavorful, and optimistic.

I want to be hungry for experiences and success, feel the complete spectrum of emotion, free to hope and work for the best outcomes, but willing to fail and be disappointed. I want to be good to others and change lives. I want to see the best in people and in life, and continually reinvent who I am and who I want to be. And before my body is burned and my ashes are scattered, I want to know that I did everything I could to be proud of my life as a whole.

These are things that I can control. And they are arguably more important than where I live.

I hope that I can learn how to control the things that I have control over, influence the Universe in the direction I want to go in those grey areas, and let myself go along for the ride in everything else.

It’s the homestretch now. Only a few more weeks and I’ll have the official orders in my dentist hands.

The uncertainty is uncomfortable.  The lack of control can be irritating.  But what’s never going to change is that there will always be an inherent amount of uncertainty and lack of control in life.  The only thing we can really change is our attitude about it.